PART 1 of 3: My Dad

It's been 18 months since my Dad died. And about that long since I last blogged.

I have wanted to write my thoughts about losing my Dad for a long time. Part of my delay is because life has been crazy since then and blogging has been put on the back burner and also I feel I have still been learning from the experience. After getting through the first year I feel I can put some thoughts to it on "paper".

PART 1:

The beginning of this health journey goes many years before this. I can remember most of his health issues stating in 2007 when he had back surgery and then in 2008 he had a heart attack. I was in college and on a date when I got the call. I'll never forget that. 

His health declined but he pushed on. He "retired" from his "desk job" in 2007 to pursue his hobby of designing custom homes. He was self-taught and incredible. Most of his life was filled with high stress jobs and taking on a lot of responsibility. I have never met anyone who works as hard as he did - he was a great example of a solid work ethic. 

In 2010 after experiencing gestational issues he was diagnosed with IBS. I was on my mission from 2008-2010 and I remember him writing about the pain and discomfort. Most people say that your family is "blessed" when you go on a mission but with the drowning economy and his health updates, I felt differently. But he was my biggest fan. Not too long before he passed away he kind of showed me his journal on his computer. I had no idea he had written so much. But I found out that he put all my emails in the journal and would talk about how my emails lifted his spirits. 

In 2011 he was finally diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the Liver. There was a lot of confusion around the diagnosis but he had liver doctors and specialists. His whole medical portfolio was so frustrating and confusing for all of us. We'd get updates from my Mom and saw a lot of frustration and heartache. He'd spends days in bed and then he would be out doing yard work. He would eat pizza and feel great and then he would have a slice of bread and be violently ill. 

During this whole time I have lived away from home. I'd go home occasionally and dynamics for sure had changed. He wasn't able to do as much and was usually in his room. The first time it felt super real was during a family vacation to Oceanside in May 2014. He neglected his medications and it landed him in the ER. If he didn't take medication to fight the toxins (because his liver wouldn't) he would basically get poisoned in his brain and cause confusion. It was strange seeing him that way. He hated that medication. 

Honestly, I don't do well with sick people. I can't stand the sight of blood. I usually hold my breath when I go to the hospital. It was hard to see him like that and then adapt to this new way of life for us and our Dad - he was a new person. Although the last few years of his life was fairly miserable, we saw a lot of humility. He was loving. He always wanted to get a hug or hold your hand. We would lay in bed with him and watch movies with him - it was normal for us to spend time with him in his room but you can imagine how lonely this was for him. My experiences with him this way are limited due to being away. My siblings who were home and my Mom can vouch for more of the details and they are all SAINTS for being there with him, especially my angel Mom and sweet sister Rachel. 

We went home for Christmas in 2015. and for Caitlin and Zachs wedding. Marlo was just a few months old and Dad was having fun with her, even though he didn't love tiny babies (similar to me - he always felt like he was going to drop them). We had our cousins in from South Africa, the wedding was gorgeous and it was an amazing Christmas. A few days before Christmas he experiences terrible pains in his stomach. He was literally rolling on the ground, grabbing his gut, in the most pain I had ever seen him in. We all took turns with him. I rubbed his feet and his belly with essential oils doing anything I could to help. It was awful. I remember him saying that he felt like he had been shot in the stomach. He was in tears. 

He ended up in the hospital and on Christmas Eve, him and his partner in crime snuck out of the hospital. Literally, he still have IV's in his arms! Thats explains a lot about him - he did not like being sick and he did not like being away from his family and did anything to be together. Mom had a meltdown (it was funny, actually) - this did not look good for getting on the liver transplant list! 

Before we left to go back to Idaho we were talking with Dad and making plans to see him next (we was always begging for us to come visit). He was laying in bed and said "let's go to Hawaii". He loves Hawaii. We, of course, were all about it! But he wanted to go soon. So we went the first week of March and it was the best trip! Of course he had limitations, but he tried his best. He even went kayaking. Him and my BIL Chase ended up tipping the kayak and Chase literally saved his life. The shock from the cold water and lack of muscle from not being active, he barely had the strength. That was a little scary to watch. 

I went home in the summer for about a month while we were transitioning into moving to Colorado. It was so nice to be with him so much. He wanted to take a trip with just our family so we went to Sedona (his favorite) and the Grand Canyon. I remember one night watching a show with him in his room with Marlo and she just leaned over and gave him a kiss. I'll never forget his face! He loved how friendly and social Marlo was. When he met her when she was born he kept saying his special she was. 

I went to a doctors appointment while I was there. I wanted to see why things were so confusing! His doctor was nice. She gave him a hug and tried to empathize with him. He had a lot of discomfort, for many reasons, but one of the reasons was the toxins that would build up causing ascites so he would go in for a paracentesis procedure. This become more frequent as time went on. It would make it hard for him to even breath. 

In October I made 1 more trip to AZ before I started my new job in Colorado. I am so glad I did. It was a short trip but just nice to have more time with him, and for Marlo to be with him. Throughout the next few weeks we would talk on the phone and text. Most of them about work and about Marlo. Our last conversations were about me accepting a second job. He told me about how some risks and sacrifices are worth it, it was great advice and because I took that second job, I now have my current job. 

In November he started undergoing tests to get on the liver transplant list - finally! A lot of the hold up over time was figuring out whether his body could handle an actual transplant process. They want to give livers to those who can survive the surgery, obviously, so there was concern. I think they had concluded that if he got on the list, he would have to have it done at a special transplant center to handle this sort of trauma, but I don't remember all those details.

On one of our calls a few days after the tests he said he had a dream that he didn't get the liver and that he died. He said he really hoped it wasn't true, but that it felt so real. A few days after that they got the results and he had failed the heart and oxygen tests and he was discouraged. They started making plans of what to do next.

Go to PART 2 of 3. 

ONE!

Marlo is ONE! 

We celebrated in AZ a few weeks early so we could be with family. The theme was kind of polkadot, but not to structured. We had flatbreads, salad, desserts, and of course Marlo had her smash cake! She was giddy all night until we put her to bed. She loved all the attention and love!

I just made a simple smash cake - a banana bread cake so it didn't have a lot of sugar - with can frosting. She kind of got into it but mostly just liked playing with the frosting on her fingers! 

Please. She is the cutest. We had to do a little modeling for some bloggers that sent us that bib and headband. I have to resist the urge to buy her all the cute stuff so it's nice to get a few things for free from our favorite shops! 

Did a fun photo-shoot at Kendall's new house with her nice camera and I loved how it turned out! We got a ton of great pictures. She was being so smiley and cooperative! 

The day of her birthday in Colorado we woke her up by putting balloons in her crib! She was so confused, like, "Hey guys, this is not suppose to be in here," and she started throwing the balloons out cautiously. So funny!

Made her favorite pancakes and added some sprinkles. 

We headed out to IKEA and then to lunch. Such a happy baby!

How did we get so lucky to get this sweet girl? I hate to say that our life started once we had Marlo (like many people say) because I personally don't feel like it did. I felt that more at marriage, but with Marlo's birth I felt a bigger change within myself and a major enhancement to our already beautiful life. I remember wondering what she would look like and now I feel like we've always known her and what she looks like. No doubt she is our baby - everyone says she's a 50/50! I would say it's the same personality-wise; she's outgoing and social like me, and curious and kind like Nephi. And then there is a little of Marlo - the cautious but daring, sweet but sour, fragile but strong, little girl that we adore. Every phase gets more fun and we can't wait to grow up with her! 

And of course, it was my "Mommy Birthday", too. I get the chills when people use the phrase, "my baby that made me a mommy," because I know that feeling now! I know why my Mom has a special little affinity towards her first-born - I will always have that for Marlo. And although I am very hard on myself, I feel proud of my accomplishments as a mother. My skills and talents have been exercised just as much as my weaknesses have, and I have Heavenly Father to thank for that. 

August in AZ

A week after we got to Colorado we jumped on a plane and went to Arizona to spend a few weeks with my family. Nephi was able to join us for 2 of the 4 weeks because he had a break after his first week of orientation and we soaked it all in!

We basically never stopped sweating. We spent a lot of time indoors and just playing with family. Marlo had just started walking so she was all over the place loving all the open space. She got SO much love during her time there that at moments I thought she would explode from happiness. Her grandparents and aunts and uncles love her unconditionally and she loves them back! It was a good taste of what it would be like to live near my family and if it wasn't for being separated from Nephi for 2 weeks, we wouldn't have had the urge to come back to CO! Luckily, the flights to PHX from DEN are fairly inexpensive so I am sure we will squeeze in a few trips a year.

Kendall had her little baby boy (Colt Steven) while we were there and we got lots of snuggles! He is growing so fast and I can't wait to see him again! 

We took a trip with my parents to the Grand Canyon and Sedona. It was so beautiful and I forgot how breathtaking the views are. I had more of an appreciation than I did when I was last there (6th grade) and I want to plan a trip next summer to hike Havasupi! 

Marlo took lots of baths in Namas sink. 

Any chance she could, my Mom would rock Marlo to sleep. They had such a sweet little routine and I know Marlo misses her. Every time we get on FaceTime Marlo starts blowing kisses to her! She doesn't do that with anyone else. She loves her Nams! 

Nephi left and then my parents, me and Marlo went to California for a few days to visit friends in Pasadena and family in Southern California. It was also SO hot there and so we didn't escape the heat much but went to the beach and did some exploring in LA. 

Marlo fell in LOVE with my cousin Hannah. She is so wonderful with kids. If I had the money, I would make her our live-in nanny. She is so darling. 

I celebrated the big 2-8 while we were there. Shopping and food - it was SO great (just wish Nephi could have been there with us!). 

I am so glad we took the time to make the trip. My parents are so gracious with their time and just making it a fun trip for us before we started our life in Colorado. I don't know if they realize how much it meant to us (especially me) but we had the best time and counting down the days till we go back to visit! 

Welcome to Denver

We made it to Denver!

Loading up and leaving Idaho Falls was a cinch, but unloading was another story. Unfortunately, the ward we moved into didn't show to help us move even though we asked for help. I had major anxiety over this happening so thanks to that - I hired movers. The best $250 we spent the whole trip! We had 3 big guys all to ourselves for 2 hours. We live on the 3rd floor so it was a task but they were so nice and helpful and we couldn't have done it without their help.

We also couldn't have done it without my Mom. My brain was so fogged the last week before we moved with handling all the logistics of the move, wrapping up things at work, trying to manage Marlo, and fitting in all the family activities. My Mom literally picked me up and carried me through this move. We left our place sparkling clean thanks to her and Caitlin and Zach. And of course my sweetest sister-in-law Angie who was so helpful and always willing and able to watch Marlo. She has a good intuition for service and she can read me really well so she knew when to step in at the most perfect times. So grateful for Angie!

Finding a place to live in Denver was HARD but I think we found the perfect place for us. Through divine intervention, we found someone through a friend of a friend and took over their contract. We didn't have to pay the deposit, we were grandfathered in at a lower price (for now), and it's in a great location and ward. It's in a gated community with pools, a gym with fitness classes, a park, a 1.5 mile walking path AROUND a lake - it's a beautiful neighborhood! With all of these amenities included the rent doesn't feel like the biggest blow but it's definitely higher than we ever planned to pay. Also - it doesn't hurt that there is a Costco, Target, and Sprouts within 1 mile of us. ;)

EXHAUSTED.

IKEA trip! Such a good baby through this whole move. 

Here are a few "before" pictures of our place. "After" pictures will eventually be posted.

Love the living room and the vaulted ceilings. One of the perks (maybe only perk?) of living on the 3rd floor. 

This kitchen is much smaller than our other one, but a little more cabinet space which is nice. It's really easy to make it dirty and really easy to make it clean. Also, our last kitchen was tucked behind a wall so I didn't have to have the dishes done and now I kinda do. It's a good thing because I have been pretty good at making sure the kitchen is clean each night. 

We were debating on whether to get a kitchen table or not and we ended up getting one. I don't love it, but I was so panicked to have one because Marlo was struggling with her eating routine and I thought it would help (it has). We paid $10 for a tall one at the Goodwill and we will probably end up getting a different one eventually but it works for now! 

PS - Look at all those windows - the natural light in here is so amazing! It's one of my favorite things. 

I didn't get a picture of Marlo's room but in the picture, on the right, is a den which is Marlo's room. We put up a curtain to go across the entry way (thank you IKEA) and I got creative in how to store her clothes and such. It's not ideal, but it's cheaper than getting a 2 bedroom!

Nephi had his white coat ceremony and it was so fun to be part of it. His class is so fun - all girls except for him and 1 other guy. The professors and everyone have been so warm and welcoming. Since Creighton is a Catholic school, referencing God is natural and I love that. I even spoke to the lady that interviewed him and said, "Oh, you're the lady we were praying for!" and she smiled and said, "thank you - I needed the prayers!" Nephi is the only member of the LDS church in his class, no surprise, so it's kind of a cool opportunity for us to share some of what we believe. Like I said, his class is so wonderful and they all get along really well.

So far, we LOVE Denver. The people here are so nice. And I truly mean that. Everywhere we go people are ooo'ing and awe'ing over Marlo. In Idaho Falls you don't get that because everyone is just so concerned with their own babies. I think people here are shocked that we go out with a baby because we always get stares!

Although the ward didn't help us move in (pretty transient area) everyone has been very welcoming. We went to the zoo with some mommy's this week and did a craft day. In my 3 years in Idaho Falls, I never had any women invite me to do anything like this with them. It is different in demographics a little though - there are a lot of students in our area and then a lot of old people. So far, I feel like we are going to make some great friends here and that is a huge blessing and something I have been praying for daily.

Heavenly Father is so good to us. Although I struggled the first few weeks here, I am feeling all the blessings of this move including Nephi being SO happy with his schooling. The load is starting to get heavier but he is being so good and disciplined and we are so proud of him! Marlo is also settling in well after having a little relapse in eating and naps - I think we are back on track, knock on wood!

Goodbyes

Before we left Idaho, we had to say lots of goodbyes. It wasn't as hard as anticipated considering that we will be coming back to Idaho often because of family and who knows - we may end up getting a job there! (Not ruling out any possibilities!) Just a few things we had to say goodbye to:

Bye, bye playing with all my Guymon cousins...

Bye, bye Guymon family gatherings... (annual summer campout @ Heise) 

Bye, bye dessert gatherings with family...

Bye, bye to my best friends who I am probably going to miss the most. Good friends are hard to come by. 

Got our family pictures done to cap off our time and memories in Idaho Falls. 

Marlo had the BEST teachers at daycare. They put my heart at ease daily and I am so grateful for them. It was hard for them to say goodbye to Marlo.

Nephi's grandparents will be sorely missed! No one in the Guymon family makes me feel more loved than Grandma Guymon. She is the perfect grandma! 

Got to take a final little vacay with Nephi's family to Lagoon. All the siblings finally living in the same state and then we get up and move! Just our luck. 

THIS. This will be missed more than I should admit. Snakebite...

Had to say goodbye to downtown Idaho Falls. 

Had to say goodbye to this place. We signed a 1 year lease thinking it was no big deal and that we would be gone before long and 3 years later...We loved that place and that ward.

Just a little fitness post...

For the last 3+ months I have been working out in the morning. Because of a change in Nephi's schedule, I can go in the mornings while Marlo is sleeping instead of hoping to make it work in the evenings and it has been LIFE CHANGING! I have gone through phases where I have worked out in the morning and every time I am like - why don't I ALWAYS do this? It helps wake me up, keeps me better disciplined throughout the day, and jump starts my metabolism. I have less guilt and more time and it has made all the difference. 

This morning I had a really good discussion with my trainer. We talked about perception of dieting, weight loss, and fitness. I recently have heard a few people talk about losing weight without any exercise and minimal changes to their eating habits...yeah, here are my thoughts exactly...

I have a love for fitness and I actually enjoy eating healthy foods. But listen, I am not perfect, but I certainly cannot just lose weight by living day-to-day live and not making any changes. 

And although when I hear those people say those things and it can make me feel bad about myself, I have recently decided that I would rather WORK my booty off (literally) than just have it come off with no effort. I love the feeling of a good challenge, the social aspect and community around fitness, and seeing my body change physically even though it may not reflect on the scale exactly.

I am learning to love my body AND allow others to love their bodies. I think it's funny to see the trends change to where being "skinny" (I hate that word by the way - I rather use "thin") is all the rage and then there are trends where being "curvy" (I can't decide how I feel about that word because it's true for many overweight people) is a big deal. YIKES. Just take care of yourself and know that not every body, booty, hips, or ankles are created equal.

My workout this morning ROCKED - bootcamp w/ trainer + elliptical (I have a hip injury so I haven't been able to run.) 

Anyway - I just needed to put this out there for many reasons, but mostly to help remind myself of how grateful I am for my body and to not covet others. Especially after having a baby, I may never get back to my smallest size (my stomach will certainly never be the same) and that's okay. I want to be in a healthy weight range that is achievable so I can feel good about myself (it's okay to want to look good) but also to be a good example to Marlo.