PART 3 of 3: My Dad

PART 3:

GRIEF. We all grieve differently, this I learned. I have been through minimal trials up until that point in my life so I didn't know how I would grieve. I wouldn't consider myself an emotional person, and I wouldn't say this experience made me overly emotional. I, of course, cried a lot. I cried in Nephi's arms, in my bed with my back turned so he wouldn't notice, in the shower, during conversations -- but I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably at any point. 

When we got home we went straight back to normal life. I think we got back on a Saturday and I had work on Monday. I am the sole provider in my family right now so there was no choice. There was no time to sit at home and "grieve" in a traditional sense of the word. I can remember going to work that morning and taking the stairs and before opening the door taking a deep breath annnnnnnnd I was on the wrong floor! Ha. But everything was the same? I was new to the office and my boss didn't tell anyone. It was super awkward. She only told people that I had a family death so when a co-worker mentioned something and then I said something about my Dad she gasped because she didn't know it was a parent. Awkward.

It was hard at home because I didn't know how to bring it up and talk about it when I wanted to. I wanted to talk about it all the time, really. Not in a sad way, but talk about him and his memories and how I was feeling during certain situations. I went from being knee-deep in family time and talking about Dad to nothing. It was strange and awkward. Nephi was so so unbelievably supportive, but he couldn't read my mind. 

Some days were hard. They were hard because I was going through a lot of "firsts" but also had a little resentment. I couldn't be home with my family and be near my Mom to help. I couldn't just take a day to decompress, I had to keep moving and working (2 jobs), changing diapers, making dinner, church responsibilities and keeping my home in shape. People wouldn't talk about it or bring it up and they made it awkward. I would see people for the first time since it had happened and they would say NOTHING. It was so hard for me. The world kept going. I felt like I was just jogging at a slow pace behind it, with lava chasing me so I had no choice but to keep going. It felt so unfair so many times. 

There were a lot of firsts that were hard. His birthday was hard because I realized how young he was (58). My parents anniversary was rough thinking of my Mom without a spouse. Father's Day was hard scrolling through social media seeing everyone worshiping their Dads (it is still hard). I ran into a few work issues and career decisions that totally made me breakdown. He always had the answers and best guidance for me - I still feel very lost without him to counsel on those issues and to this day are my hardest moments. 

When good things happen it was hard, too. When I would have a major success at work, I couldn't call him. When I got called to be the president of our women's church group I cried thinking that he wasn't there to tell me that I would be able to handle it. Even when I ran my first half-marathon since having Marlo, tears filled my eyes when I thought of how he would have been so proud - he loved when we challenged ourselves physically. He missed some good vacations too! Like Telluride and Hawaii when we went to honor him. 

Now I look back at the first year and I am grateful we had things to come home to. What forced me to keep moving, made me stronger. I felt my Dad so often in the first year. It's been a major blessing to be busy and be needed. I feel it's made me a better Mom, wife, friend, Relief Society President, co-worker, etc. 

In January we lost Nephi's Dad and that was so hard. It was interesting to be on the other side, to see how I can comfort my spouse the way he did me. It was hard because it brought back more memories than I anticipated. It was even harder to see my spouse go through the trial, Nephi's Dad was an amazing man. We now both have lost our fathers and Marlo has lost both her Grandpas, and we are only 30 years old. It's crazy to think about that, but we have compassion for each other. 

Overall, time has been the most haunting. Some days move so slow and others so fast. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but there are days where it's more seldom. One minute I am looking back and thinking of all that has happened since he has passed and think he has missed SO much and then next I am thinking that life will feel so long and boring without him. 

I am grateful I got to spend 28 years of my life with him. He was my biggest fan and I couldn't have asked for a better Father.

PART 2 of 3: My Dad

PART 2:

My Dad went into the hospital on December 10, 2015 with a high fever, feeling very fatigued. Up to this point, he had been to the hospital many times. My Mom would usually send out a text or an email to tell us. It felt fairly common for our family and we would just waited for updates from Mom. We had meant to call him the next day as he was admitted overnight but were out late so we said we would call the next day. When we tried to call my Mom explained that he was in a lot of pain and not in a position to talk. They had sedated him. 

A few days later, not a lot of updates, we decided to FaceTime my Mom. She looked exhausted. She has been battling this along his side for years, but this exhaustion seemed off. I remember after us talking for a bit and getting updates I asked, "Mom, is this serious? Is he going to die or something?" and she quickly assured me no and that they were getting more updates. She did say he was in a lot of pain and that scared us. 

My best friend Emily went to visit my Dad in the hospital with her family. She told me it was bad - that he didn't look - and that I should try and make it home. She even offered to pay for my flights (did I mention she is the best?). I was so conflicted because we had been in the position a few times and I never knew what to do. I was also new to my job and had little PTO so I was trying to use it wisely because we were suppose to go to Idaho for Christmas. We were also poor students! I was so stressed about it. At one point I had thought to just fly home to visit for a few days and then meet Nephi in Idaho. It was a stressful few days.

On Thursday, December 17 I went to the office. I had meetings in Pueblo (2 hours away from Denver) so I left with a co-worker that morning. We chatted about personal stuff the whole way there and back. About an hour outside of Denver we started talking more about family stuff. I talked about my Dad and his sickness. I told her how eye-opening it was to see a parent be sick but about what a great Dad he was to us. About 30 minutes away from Denver I got a text from my Mom in a group text saying that Dad was not doing well. She said things were not getting better and that she was waiting for more updates from the doctors. 

We pulled into the office, my stomach was churning from being car sick plus worried about my Dad. I got into my car and called Nephi before I left the parking garage. I told him that I probably need to go but again, I was conflicted. Before I hit the first stoplight my Mom was calling on the other line. I hung up with Nephi and answered my Mom. She was quiet and I heard a sniffle. "MOM????"

She said she had just spoke with the doctors and they told her there was a 90% chance Dad wouldn't make it through the night. I pulled over. I said we would get on the next flight possible. She then sent the text to the family asking everyone to get to the hospital now. All my siblings were in AZ and they all rushed there. 

I walked in the door and Nephi embraced me. I couldn't believe this was happening. Marlo was playing, she had no idea what was going on. He had already looked up flights and we booked them to be on the first flight in the morning. We went and sat on the bed and waited for what would come next. I was getting texts from Emily this whole time. She was there. She was telling me everything going on. Describing it so I felt I was there. I am so grateful she was there. It meant more to me than I have been able to explain to her. 

We got a FaceTime call. He popped up. He was hooked up to machines and he looked awful. My siblings and Mom surrounded him. I told her we had booked flights and would be there by 9am the next day and she said the doctors said not to wait, they were going to take him off life support. He had fluid in his lungs and kidney and organ failure - he was in bad shape. He was still heavily sedated. We said our goodbyes. I still have screenshots of that call. I scroll past them in my phone every once in a while but never click on them. They are scary, but I still keep them. 

We packed up, we were not ready to leave town. We weren't suppose to leave to Idaho until the next week. I told my bosses and we asked the Bishop for a ride. I did actually sleep that night. We woke up really early and caught our flight. Emily picked us up. 

Usually when we come to town my Dad loved to greet us. It was strange pulling up and him not at the door waiting. It was so nice to see my Mom and siblings. It felt so surreal. From the moment we got together, we started with the planning. Throughout the whole time we were laughing and crying - recalling memories. Although it was a sad time, we were so happy to be together. 

It was a Friday and the funeral was on that next Tuesday. The love and support we got from family friends was unbelievable. My Mom has the greatest friends and members of our church. I grew up with these people - these are family friends of 20+ years. Many people knew my Dad in the community from his work and reputation. That love and support from them carried us - I will never forget it. 

Watching my Mom was hard. She tried to be positive, but it's really hard to grieve with all those people. There were always being in the house, we were never really alone. But I think that helped a bit too. Grief is different for everyone so we were all learning what each other wanted. For now, we wanted to all be together as much as possible. 

I got a lot of texts and calls from friends that I SO appreciated it. A lot of people said "You don't have to text back" but I did because it was so nice to hear from them. And then there were people who you would think that would reach out that didn't. A few instances really bothered me, but I now realize that they probably felt awkward. I have learned that when in doubt, reach out. Even if you feel abnormal or out of place doing it. 

Before the funeral we had the chance to dress my Dad in special religious clothing. This would be the first time I would see him and I just wasn't sure if I wanted to. My Mom told me I should, and I am so glad I did. We walked into the room and he was on a table in a white button-up shirt and white pants. When I saw him my whole body filled with warmth and peace. I couldn't help but smile. He looked so good. He didn't look sick. His stomach wasn't bloated. His shoulders were broad instead of narrow and thin. His hair was long- he said he wasn't going to cut it until he got a transplant! I could have stayed in that room forever. 

We did stay for some time. We shared memories of him and laughed. We did a lot of laughing those few days. He was such a fun guy to talk about and a major part of all of our lives. We really felt carried throughout that time, and I know that's because of our religious beliefs. Without going into too much detail (if you have questions, ask!), we believe there is life after death and that we will be able to be reunited with our loved ones. This concept has always been something I have had faith in but it felt so real and brought me SO much comfort. It's so important to hold on to those beliefs - without them I know I would have handled this all differently. 

The funeral was beautiful. We were very particular on the music, he loved music, and I got to share a few words about him. It wasn't a place where we were all sobbing. There was a little anxiety going into it, but I just didn't want it to end. The whole time, talking about my Dad, there is nothing better! Nephi made this beautiful tribute to him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXTqvJdbfoo 

We stayed in AZ until after New Years. I got bereavement and only had to use 2 days of PTO. It was a miracle that my office shuts down Christmas Day until New Years Eve - that's unusual and it's what allowed us to stay so long with not a lot of stress. Nephi, being a student, had even more time off and the day he passed away was Nephi's last day of classes that semester, so it worked out well. 

That was the best Christmas I can remember. Although Dad wasn't with us, we felt him so much. We all dropped everything to be together. We were together from early morning to late evening every day. We all made sacrifices. Talked a lot. It brought us closer together.

Go to part 3 of 3.

Surprise Trip to AZ

Marlo and I took a last minute trip to AZ. The flights were cheap and we wanted to see family while we had a good chance and before things got too busy for us. We also went to spend time with my Dad who is not doing too well. He lights up when he sees Marlo and him and my Mom (and all my siblings) would do just about anything to see Marlo. No one knew we were coming except my parents so it was fun to surprise everyone!

We had an opportunity to buy Garth Brooks tickets off someone so we went for it! IT WAS AMAZING! I won't go into much detail, because I could go on and on, so talk to me about it in person, please? Because I want to tell you all about it - Ha! It was so nostaligic. We used to listen to him during on our summer vacations to Lake Powell and on all our family road trips. He is an amazing performer and so humble. I had a lot of friends go to his show in SLC as well and they all said it was the best concert they have been to - I agree! 

Marlo was SO good on all flights! On the way there she slept the whole time. On the way back she slept on the first flight but not the second. But, we had pretty empty flights so it worked. She sat and looked out the window. And she licked the window over and over and I didn't even stop her. Yeah - I am that cool of a Mom. 

The best part was, and I am writing this so I don't forget, when I got off the plane in Denver we were walking to baggage claim and a man who was on our flight walked next to us and said, "Your daughter did so well on the flight! She's the best baby I have ever seen in all my traveling. She is so beautiful." Wow! And then when we were leaving with Nephi after getting our luggage, we were just walking and talking and we walked by another guy and he kind of waved at us and said, "Hey, hey! Your daughter is so cute and such a good baby. I meant to tell you that on the flight but didn't get a chance. She is so cute!" Ha! So, good job Marlo. I guess it pays to just let your kid lick the window. 

Lots of cousin time! Marlo lights up when she sees Ava! And Ava is so sweet with her. Sure, she pushes her around sometimes, but I really think she does well with her and makes sure Marlo is always being good! :) And Colt! He is just THE SWEETEST babe. He is cooing and smiling and is so chill. He definitely has his Mama's personality! It was so fun spending so much time with him. He will be huge by the time I see him again! :( 

And of course, lots of Granddad time!!! I never see my Dad happier than when he is with his grandchildren. He is the best Granddad to them. Marlo was loving him this trip and would lean in to give him kisses without him even asking! I think she senses that he needs the love. 

Grandy time! He came into town the day after we did and I picked him up from the airport and about gave him a heart-attack! Ha! Marlo LOVES Grandy. She would run to him and put her arms up. She actually sat with him which she doesn't often do. 

Went to the AZ State Fair! It's been years since I have been and it was NOT as fun as the Eastern Idaho State Fair. The food was blah, too. But, we got in free because of a promotion they were having. ^^I love this picture of Marlo looking at the pig. He started snorting and it scared her. The video was so funny!

Took a little trip to the pumpkin patch to get pumpkins! 

Made sugar cookies with royal icing and they turned out so good! It is SO time consuming but I am excited to have the skill so I can use it for parties and such. I got The Allison Cookie Party course for my birthday and it was so worth it! Such great tips!

I LOVED this trip to AZ because I got to see Emily AND Maddie! They are my very best friends from High School. I usually get to see Emily every time I go to AZ but I haven't seen Maddie in almost 5 years! It was so fun to catch up and "brunch". Maddie teased that we are finally old and rich enough to brunch - HA! I said, yes we are old enough but I am not rich enough! But really, it was so wonderful to see them and we sat there for 5 hours chatting about old times and new changes in our lives. Grateful for such great friends that we can just pick up where we left off.

I am so glad we got to make the quick trip. Every time I see my family I usually have a detox a day or two after I leave and stay in bed and just super lazy and this trip was no different. Poor Nephi has to deal with my quick depression, haha. I just need things to look forward to and after a trip it always feels so far away! But Chelsea is coming in 2 weeks and then we get to see the Guymon's at Christmas! 

Our Denver Life

It feels like we are finally settling in well here in Denver. We have a good routine and although we have another schedule coming up (daylight savings + new job) we are relishing our days for now. 

Marlo pooping. I worry about potty training with her little pooping routine - she will not be able to squat like that on a toilet! It's typical to find her in a corner squatting like this or hear her grunts from her crib while she postpones napping with a cute little poop. 

 We went to Goodwill the other day to find chairs for our table because we were going to have the missionaries over for dinner and found some!  They are PERFECT for our table and were in our price range. And we like to dress up for shopping at the Goodwill, clearly.

I know they tell you that church will get harder before it gets better and now I finally believe it! Our church is right during Marlo's first nap (the one she is best at) and it's ROUGH! We've resorted to bringing a bottle now and lots of books and that's been helping but we are all exhausted by the end of church and so is she. 

A little folding arms action at family prayers. 

We had a girls night the other night doing makeup. I didn't actually do my makeup because it was late and I didn't want to have to clean my face - ha! But it was fun to compare brands and techniques. AND I love these girls. The most welcoming and friendly girls I have ever met. 

This was to document Marlo eating one of those "DO NOT EAT" packages. YEP. Don't worry, we googled it real quick and it's not actually poisonous - it's just a choking hazard. Nephi got Marlo to open her mouth by letting her put her fingers in his mouth and he got most of them out. I assume she took the rest out because we didn't spot anything in her poop. She is mischievous.   

I finally made my favorite bread! It's inspired from my Mom's recipe (I made a few adjustments). She even sent me a few loafs on my mission because I love it so much. It freezes so well and makes great toast and sandwiches!

Hanging with Ms. Marlo

We've gotten in a looooot of family time the last few weeks with us all being home and it's been so nice! That won't last much longer so we are trying to take advantage of hanging out with Ms. Marlo.

Marlo LOVES the Dada book. She brings it up to us 20x a day to read and it's the only book she won't flip fast through the pages. The other day she ran to Nephi with another book and he said, "No, go get the Dada book!" Sure enough, she ran into the other room and came back with the Dada book! 

She has been the BEST eater lately! (knock on wood) She will eat just about anything and sometimes double fists her food to get it into her mouth faster. When she is done, she pulls her bib towards me and sometimes says, "Done?!" We are trying to get her to say, "all done" but her pulling her bib is good enough! 

Finally loves the bath again. She went through a phase where she hated the bath and now when we say, "Bath-time!?" she squeals and runs to our room. We have a big bath in there and just just walks around and plays with toys. I can't get her to sit down anymore. And she loves the water being dumped on her head! I have Nephi to thank for that - hopefully she with love swim lessons next year!

We have always counted out loud with Marlo to distract her and it's finally paying off! Last week she starting mimicking our counting! We were in the tub and I was showing her the 1, 2, 3 foam numbers and then suddenly she was mimicking my tone! She loves it and will sometimes use her fingers. When she is falling asleep for a nap or when she wakes up from a nap we just listen to her in her crib saying it over and over again. Next up, ABC's!

Her first piggys! 

My Costco Clan. Bless their hearts for dealing with me in that place! 

August in AZ

A week after we got to Colorado we jumped on a plane and went to Arizona to spend a few weeks with my family. Nephi was able to join us for 2 of the 4 weeks because he had a break after his first week of orientation and we soaked it all in!

We basically never stopped sweating. We spent a lot of time indoors and just playing with family. Marlo had just started walking so she was all over the place loving all the open space. She got SO much love during her time there that at moments I thought she would explode from happiness. Her grandparents and aunts and uncles love her unconditionally and she loves them back! It was a good taste of what it would be like to live near my family and if it wasn't for being separated from Nephi for 2 weeks, we wouldn't have had the urge to come back to CO! Luckily, the flights to PHX from DEN are fairly inexpensive so I am sure we will squeeze in a few trips a year.

Kendall had her little baby boy (Colt Steven) while we were there and we got lots of snuggles! He is growing so fast and I can't wait to see him again! 

We took a trip with my parents to the Grand Canyon and Sedona. It was so beautiful and I forgot how breathtaking the views are. I had more of an appreciation than I did when I was last there (6th grade) and I want to plan a trip next summer to hike Havasupi! 

Marlo took lots of baths in Namas sink. 

Any chance she could, my Mom would rock Marlo to sleep. They had such a sweet little routine and I know Marlo misses her. Every time we get on FaceTime Marlo starts blowing kisses to her! She doesn't do that with anyone else. She loves her Nams! 

Nephi left and then my parents, me and Marlo went to California for a few days to visit friends in Pasadena and family in Southern California. It was also SO hot there and so we didn't escape the heat much but went to the beach and did some exploring in LA. 

Marlo fell in LOVE with my cousin Hannah. She is so wonderful with kids. If I had the money, I would make her our live-in nanny. She is so darling. 

I celebrated the big 2-8 while we were there. Shopping and food - it was SO great (just wish Nephi could have been there with us!). 

I am so glad we took the time to make the trip. My parents are so gracious with their time and just making it a fun trip for us before we started our life in Colorado. I don't know if they realize how much it meant to us (especially me) but we had the best time and counting down the days till we go back to visit! 

Goodbyes

Before we left Idaho, we had to say lots of goodbyes. It wasn't as hard as anticipated considering that we will be coming back to Idaho often because of family and who knows - we may end up getting a job there! (Not ruling out any possibilities!) Just a few things we had to say goodbye to:

Bye, bye playing with all my Guymon cousins...

Bye, bye Guymon family gatherings... (annual summer campout @ Heise) 

Bye, bye dessert gatherings with family...

Bye, bye to my best friends who I am probably going to miss the most. Good friends are hard to come by. 

Got our family pictures done to cap off our time and memories in Idaho Falls. 

Marlo had the BEST teachers at daycare. They put my heart at ease daily and I am so grateful for them. It was hard for them to say goodbye to Marlo.

Nephi's grandparents will be sorely missed! No one in the Guymon family makes me feel more loved than Grandma Guymon. She is the perfect grandma! 

Got to take a final little vacay with Nephi's family to Lagoon. All the siblings finally living in the same state and then we get up and move! Just our luck. 

THIS. This will be missed more than I should admit. Snakebite...

Had to say goodbye to downtown Idaho Falls. 

Had to say goodbye to this place. We signed a 1 year lease thinking it was no big deal and that we would be gone before long and 3 years later...We loved that place and that ward.