I have wanted to write my thoughts about losing my Dad for a long time. Part of my delay is because life has been crazy since then and blogging has been put on the back burner and also I feel I have still been learning from the experience. After getting through the first year I feel I can put some thoughts to it on "paper".
PART 1:
The beginning of this health journey goes many years before this. I can remember most of his health issues stating in 2007 when he had back surgery and then in 2008 he had a heart attack. I was in college and on a date when I got the call. I'll never forget that.
His health declined but he pushed on. He "retired" from his "desk job" in 2007 to pursue his hobby of designing custom homes. He was self-taught and incredible. Most of his life was filled with high stress jobs and taking on a lot of responsibility. I have never met anyone who works as hard as he did - he was a great example of a solid work ethic.
In 2010 after experiencing gestational issues he was diagnosed with IBS. I was on my mission from 2008-2010 and I remember him writing about the pain and discomfort. Most people say that your family is "blessed" when you go on a mission but with the drowning economy and his health updates, I felt differently. But he was my biggest fan. Not too long before he passed away he kind of showed me his journal on his computer. I had no idea he had written so much. But I found out that he put all my emails in the journal and would talk about how my emails lifted his spirits.
In 2011 he was finally diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the Liver. There was a lot of confusion around the diagnosis but he had liver doctors and specialists. His whole medical portfolio was so frustrating and confusing for all of us. We'd get updates from my Mom and saw a lot of frustration and heartache. He'd spends days in bed and then he would be out doing yard work. He would eat pizza and feel great and then he would have a slice of bread and be violently ill.
During this whole time I have lived away from home. I'd go home occasionally and dynamics for sure had changed. He wasn't able to do as much and was usually in his room. The first time it felt super real was during a family vacation to Oceanside in May 2014. He neglected his medications and it landed him in the ER. If he didn't take medication to fight the toxins (because his liver wouldn't) he would basically get poisoned in his brain and cause confusion. It was strange seeing him that way. He hated that medication.
Honestly, I don't do well with sick people. I can't stand the sight of blood. I usually hold my breath when I go to the hospital. It was hard to see him like that and then adapt to this new way of life for us and our Dad - he was a new person. Although the last few years of his life was fairly miserable, we saw a lot of humility. He was loving. He always wanted to get a hug or hold your hand. We would lay in bed with him and watch movies with him - it was normal for us to spend time with him in his room but you can imagine how lonely this was for him. My experiences with him this way are limited due to being away. My siblings who were home and my Mom can vouch for more of the details and they are all SAINTS for being there with him, especially my angel Mom and sweet sister Rachel.
We went home for Christmas in 2015. and for Caitlin and Zachs wedding. Marlo was just a few months old and Dad was having fun with her, even though he didn't love tiny babies (similar to me - he always felt like he was going to drop them). We had our cousins in from South Africa, the wedding was gorgeous and it was an amazing Christmas. A few days before Christmas he experiences terrible pains in his stomach. He was literally rolling on the ground, grabbing his gut, in the most pain I had ever seen him in. We all took turns with him. I rubbed his feet and his belly with essential oils doing anything I could to help. It was awful. I remember him saying that he felt like he had been shot in the stomach. He was in tears.
He ended up in the hospital and on Christmas Eve, him and his partner in crime snuck out of the hospital. Literally, he still have IV's in his arms! Thats explains a lot about him - he did not like being sick and he did not like being away from his family and did anything to be together. Mom had a meltdown (it was funny, actually) - this did not look good for getting on the liver transplant list!
Before we left to go back to Idaho we were talking with Dad and making plans to see him next (we was always begging for us to come visit). He was laying in bed and said "let's go to Hawaii". He loves Hawaii. We, of course, were all about it! But he wanted to go soon. So we went the first week of March and it was the best trip! Of course he had limitations, but he tried his best. He even went kayaking. Him and my BIL Chase ended up tipping the kayak and Chase literally saved his life. The shock from the cold water and lack of muscle from not being active, he barely had the strength. That was a little scary to watch.
I went home in the summer for about a month while we were transitioning into moving to Colorado. It was so nice to be with him so much. He wanted to take a trip with just our family so we went to Sedona (his favorite) and the Grand Canyon. I remember one night watching a show with him in his room with Marlo and she just leaned over and gave him a kiss. I'll never forget his face! He loved how friendly and social Marlo was. When he met her when she was born he kept saying his special she was.
I went to a doctors appointment while I was there. I wanted to see why things were so confusing! His doctor was nice. She gave him a hug and tried to empathize with him. He had a lot of discomfort, for many reasons, but one of the reasons was the toxins that would build up causing ascites so he would go in for a paracentesis procedure. This become more frequent as time went on. It would make it hard for him to even breath.
In October I made 1 more trip to AZ before I started my new job in Colorado. I am so glad I did. It was a short trip but just nice to have more time with him, and for Marlo to be with him. Throughout the next few weeks we would talk on the phone and text. Most of them about work and about Marlo. Our last conversations were about me accepting a second job. He told me about how some risks and sacrifices are worth it, it was great advice and because I took that second job, I now have my current job.
In November he started undergoing tests to get on the liver transplant list - finally! A lot of the hold up over time was figuring out whether his body could handle an actual transplant process. They want to give livers to those who can survive the surgery, obviously, so there was concern. I think they had concluded that if he got on the list, he would have to have it done at a special transplant center to handle this sort of trauma, but I don't remember all those details.
On one of our calls a few days after the tests he said he had a dream that he didn't get the liver and that he died. He said he really hoped it wasn't true, but that it felt so real. A few days after that they got the results and he had failed the heart and oxygen tests and he was discouraged. They started making plans of what to do next.
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